I haven't written for a little while, I've not really had either the time on the inclination really. Plus the fact I've completely forgotten about this little waffly outlet I have here.
Lots going on since the last time I wrote though. I've had flat car batteries and been trapped indoors for 6 days solid (oh my god, please don't ever let me go through that ever ever again), I couldn't leave the damn house in case the new battery turned up and I missed it, The irony was, that one day, when I hadn't left the house at all, the delivery company apparently came to make their delivery and left me a card as i was out!!!!!!! give me strength!!!!!! I did pretty well the first couple of days. I managed to contain myself the first couple of days even though it meant I had let me friends down as I couldn't get to them to meet them which i hated, but I started packing for my imminent holiday and tidied ad cleaned the house till you could eat your dinner out the toilet. I ordered my shopping on line for the first time ever!! wow how exciting was that!!!! scrolling up and down the pages picking out all the bargains on offer, I'm sure I didn't stick to my list online either!!!
By the 6th day I was truly going bonkers and had various arguments with various people over the phone asking where the bloody hell my battery was. 7.30 pm it arrived. 7.30!!!!!! I ask you. I'll tell you what though, by 8pm we were sat in the car and on our way for a long drive via the petrol station for chocolate and petrol. Mark fed me squares of galaxy as I drove and my god it was amazing. when you've not had chocolate for weeks at a time, that first taste of melting chocolate in your car with the music blaring and the wind in your hair, oh my goodness, it's pretty close to orgasmic (although I think I've forgotten what that feels like to be honest - it's been well over a year since any shenanigans like that occurred in my house). Strangely enough, I think I spent the next few days out and about regaining my freedom, but the usual overwhelming sense of depression and despair had got hold of me despite my best efforts to stave it off. I'm only just coming out the other side of this most recent bout actually. I hate it. I hate it so much, but I know there's not an awful lot I can do other than to try and keep myself busy and try and get on with normal life as best I can. To sit and wallow and comfort eat is the worst thing I can possibly do even thought that's what I actually want to do. You know what drives me absolutely fucking bonkers is when people use their depression for attention seeking purposes, from the moment i feel the waves of despair and tiredness coming upon me, I'm there fighting it at all costs and trying not to inflict it on too many other people so I don't drag them down too, but there are some people, that play on it. they advertise to the world that they are feeling all woe is me and then blame their friends for them being down. not on. that's just not on at all. I know for a fact, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this if it hadn't have been for my friends and the fact they understood and were there for me every step of the way whether I was happy or sad. when I was sitting here with a knife cutting my arms because I felt so out of control and miserable I thought it was all I deserved. when I was being abused on a daily basis, made to feel like shit, fat and ugly and useless, being accused of all kinds of things and used for financial gain and as a plaything, THAT, That leaves you feeling down. bloody hell it leaves you with nothing left inside you, just an empty shell. An emptiness and vacantness that you cant fill with anything or anyone coz you've been left to rot from the inside out. that is feeling down. A headache and feeling a bit sad??? fuck off and come and live in my world for a while love. I've fought these feelings, I've fought being made to feel like shit, I've fought cutting myself and starving myself and making myself ill to make others who were completely unworthy of anything happy for a few moments. I've come back from all of that so my love that does nothing but makes cakes and fucking eats them cox she's a bit sad, when i have a distinct lack of sympathy for you, that is the very reason. The fact I'm still here is a testimony to the love of my friends, and maybe a bit of stubbornness and frigging hard work from me. I'm now happy and content with my life just as it is. there is no one ever that i will let make me feel that way ever ever again. no way, I'm am worth so much more than that. never ever again.
I think that's the reason I get so flaming annoyed with Mark when he acts like the dominant male in the house. I hate to tell him, but I'm the dominant one in this house thank you very much young man. Cor we've had some dramas with him recently. He just doesn't listen to a single thing you tell him. When was the last time we made a cake....I'm not sure but it wasn't that long ago and I'm sure it was purple...yes, it was, because we had a discussion about food colouring and that you put it IN food not ON food. Today, we spend hours making a carrot cake (I've never made a carrot cake in my life, but he asked if we could make one yesterday and I found a fab recipe on line last night) Ages we were in the kitchen for. In fact I think I've spent most of my day in the kitchen washing up and tidying up. We made the cake, it went fairly well.....we popped to tesco (what a result, got a whole weeks shopping for £12 odd with various vouchers and what not, get in!!!!) we had most of the tesco staff following us round trying to work out what the heck cream cheese is (as per the recipe). Turns out...after all 6 of us were at a loss, that it is soft cheese, like Philadelphia - really??? Philadelphia is the main ingredient of carrot cake topping. I never knew that. I bloody hate Philadelphia, but you know what...on a carrot cake it is bloody lush. (I know coz I tried some). Anyway, I digress.....we spent fecking hours on this cake. I turn my back for 2 seconds and the boy has green and orange food colouring all over the top of this cake trying to make a carrot. Needless to say - cake = fucked. The boy then gets the arse and stomps upstairs threatening to kill himself because he ruined the cake. Hang on, shouldn't it be ME that stomped upstairs with the arse??? Couple of hours this wobbly went on for. In the meantime, I popped outside for a fag and returned to find the bloody cat licking the smegging icing off the top of the cake. Don't tell the boy, but I scrapped the icing off the top and put some more on without telling him about the cat licking episode. Shhhhhhhh!!!!!!
The problem is, he just either doesn't listen, or just cannot stop fiddling with things. If he didn't fiddle with everything, he wouldn't get in such a flaming mess. Last week, while we were dog sitting on the way to my parents, we were in the park and he was talking about putting a lock on his phone, like a password thingy. I advised him that it really wasn't a very good idea as he would be quite likely to forget the code and wouldn;t ever be able to get into his phone ever again. Literally 2 minutes later, he's throwing an absolute paddy in the car, whacking his head, tears, the end of the world etc etc etc because, low and behold, he has locked his phone and cant get back into it, 3 hours later, after I'd phoned Virgin customer services for a PUK code, he is back in........seriously, the boy is absolutely doing my nut in. I think I'm going absolutely bonkers and that I may have to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
