2013 has been a funny year so far.  In a good way, but still funny. Funny strange, not funny haha mind you. I can honestly say I have never felt more happy, content and self assured. I still have my huge moments of insecurity and self consciousness, as we all do I suppose, but I am finally getting to the point where I really don't give a monkeys whether someone doesn't like the fact I have worn shorts on the school run. And for me, that's a huge thing. I have always been very concious of my size and have tried to hide myself away and dress accordingly. Taking into consideration the thoughts and opinions of me of people that don't even know me and that I don't actually even know myself. I have always thought that I would be looked at in absolute disgust if I wore a skirt or a tight top or got my legs out for the summer, but I am slowly learning that actually, these people aren't judging me at all. They are far too busy with their own lives to even give a second thought as to what I'm wearing, or what colour my hair is or whether they like it short or not. The only people that I see that may possibly say or think something about e, are people that belong in my past, and really should be taking a good hard look at their own physical appearance and personal hygiene.  They are nothing to do with me any longer and their thoughts and whatever they may have to say about me should not concern nor bother me. And it doesn't any more. Strange how the person that was once the centre of my world is now nothing more to me than a passing glimpse and actually feelings of pity arise from their whole situation.
Anyway, I didn't intend to start writing about them today, I was saying about how great and strange this year has been thus far.
I seem to have found an inner peace and happiness and I'm actually quite annoyed with myself that this week, it has already started slipping thanks to the introduction of a man possibly into my life.  Where has all this great stuff I have found inside me gone? It's like it has dissipated into the night without a trace and I feel stupid and annoyed at myself for feeling like this and for allowing someone to MAKE me feel like this after all this time. I let someone into my life and home and gave them feelings and let him hold me and make a connection with him and he's buggered off and vanished and left me with all these stupid feelings of annoyance and insecurity. All my strength that I gained, has gone again. I can feel myself making excuses for him in my head but really I know, it was a flash in the pan and he got what he wanted from me and I let him. Cause I always do. I always bloody do. I thought we had something, I thought we had a connection, but now i realise again that really he's a clever man that can read people and get inside their heads. It was my birthday yesterday. He told me he would see me later. He didn't show up. He didn't text. I have never been stood up in my life so this is a proper first for me. And what a night to do it. That's something my elephant like memory wont ever let me forget isn't it.  Maybe it's my own fault for being so eager, for being so flipping gullible and for believing him and thinking that actually maybe he thought the same as I did, that we might have something. Clearly not. Silly Alli.
I was SO strong. I was SO on my own, not letting anyone inside as I didn't want to be used or hurt or made to feel this way again, and here we go again. It's happened all over again.  I should have known. This is the reason I have kept myself private. Not let myself be hugged or kissed or held in any way because I miss it so so much when it's not there any more. It's been so damn long since I've been held that way. If ever and now I've allowed it again, I can't seem to get it out of my head. My bed feels empty and cold after being held all night by loving arms and now it's big and empty again.  My evenings are a mess of thoughts running through my head that weren't there before Monday and haven't been there since I told Alan to get stuffed.  He didn't give a monkey's uncle whether I was around or not. I wasn't an x box so I didn't get a look in even after what I did with him and felt with him. He obviously wasn't the man I thought he was either. See, the problems only occur when I let a man into my life.  without them I'm fine. I'm great, I'm happy and confident and I love myself. As soon as one comes along, it's back to square one again with thousands of little niggling doubts and insecurities and I don't want that for me. I deserve so much better and more than that.  I really do. I've been hurt too much by people that didn't deserve my love, affection or time and I wont let this happen to me again. I've taken too long to climb out the hole I was put in by everyone I have ever been with. Sod this, I'm not doing it any more even if it means I am on my own for the rest of my life, I don't want this any more.